Empty Feeling

It's been a while since I laid hands on my laptop to create a blog post. Honestly, I'm still having thoughts if I should return to blogging or just move on and find something else to do.

I graduated college 4 years ago. In my mind back then, all I was thinking was to work in the company where I had my internship just so I would earn my own money. It worked, and I'm still there. Still there... I mean, there is nothing wrong in staying in the same company for years. Loyalty is good. It's something you should have in yourself. However, if you feel that you need to do something else to feel fulfilled, then it could mean you have a longing for growth. That's what I have been thinking over for the past years.

Maybe I'm not motivated; still confused; scared; or just stressing over the "midlife crisis". I don't know, really. 

There is just something empty in me that I want to do regularly besides going to work and tweeting my thoughts. I feel there is something that wants to break free and develop. Could this be my passion speaking to me? Who knows.

Human Nature Pollution Defense

Living in one of the Philippines' busy cities, air pollution is everywhere and there is no way to avoid it (unless you prefer to stay indoors without opening your windows). With this kind of environment, it is common for our skin to get stressed and sometimes have breakouts.

Human Nature recently released a product called "Pollution Defense Face Mask". This item caught my attention as I was scrolling through my Facebook feed one evening. At that time, I was still using a charcoal peel-off mask, which I later found out was not advisable to use for the face as it pulls out not only blackheads and whiteheads, but also vellus hair. I learned that the painful way (ouch!).

I bought the face mask from one of their flagship stores and was excited to try it out! This being a natural product, it doesn't contain those harmful chemicals you see in other commercial facial products. So let's start the review!

I washed my face before applying the clay. Unlike the other face masks I tried out, this one was easy to apply and spread out as it was not sticky. It also has a scent, which I still cannot distinguish if it's the mineral, moringa seed extract, charcoal or passion fruit seed oil. Until now, I am sniffing my finger trying to figure out what it is. Anyway, as I left it to dry, I felt a bit of tingling on my face (probably the clay pulling out the impurities on my skin). The clay dried up quickly as I only applied a thin layer. After rinsing, my face felt refreshed! I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed most of the little bumps on my nose were gone. It seemed more effective than the peel-off mask I have been using. Although, I should have left the mask on for a few more minutes.

For those who are having thoughts if they should buy the product or not, I recommend that you do. Especially while they are still selling it in introductory price, which is Php395 (SRP is Php450). As it says on the bottle, "Take the city out of your skin!"

That Gloomy Afternoon

Cold winds and gloomy sky. Rainy season is definitely here. I, personally, like it when it rains; especially during the daytime​. It helps cool down the temperature in this hot country (sort of).

This afternoon, it seemed to be close to my ideal look of a nice gloomy​ sky. That short moment looking at it made me feel nostalgia and melancholic. It's strange though, I like that feeling whenever I am by myself. There is just something that gives me a seemingly tranquil feeling when I see something abstract to sadness. Strange, isn't it?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not cold-hearted or what others call "emo". I just really see things differently sometimes. Seeing the happiness in sadness. 

The Sunflower Seed

(Source: http://www.rodalesorganiclife.com/sites/rodalesorganiclife.com/files/styles/slideshow-desktop/public/growingsunflowers_amenic181_102522.jpg?itok=hWmbrUXw)

Almost 7 years have passed and the little sunflower seed has already grown into one beautiful flower. Although all alone, the flower enjoyed the solitude. Not because it hated people, but because it did not want to commit the same mistake its past self did — give in to the short term of tender, love, and care.

Back then, the dead sunflower hoped someone would pick up its seed to let it grow but only to realize no one did. Hurt by the past and realization, the little sunflower seed decided to hide itself in the ground; away from the possibility of getting hurt by someone like the stranger. No one ever noticed the sunflower's presence since then.

As time passed, the sunflower started sprouting out of the ground. Not knowing what was going on nor how this was happening, it started to see the outside world again. From all its time hiding with fear, it forgot the beauty of the world it lives in.

During the growth, the sunflower decided to build itself again and hoped a kind stranger would pick it up from the ground. People passed by and admired the sunflower's appearance. Some tried to pick it, but Mother Nature made Her way for those people to go away. Feeling worthless, the sunflower started to lose hope that it wanted to hide in the soil again, but couldn't because the ground was too far for it to reach back. It had no choice but to continue growing.

The growing sunflower did not realize that even though it hid itself from everything and everyone for the past years, Mother Nature was with it all this time. She protected the sunflower seed from harm with Her soil and gave it water for nourishment during its healing process. All She wanted was the sunflower to live a new and better life because She loved it so much.

Years have already passed and the sunflower learned to enjoy solitude yet appreciate the company of some people. Then one day, a young stranger came and looked at the sunflower as if it was a new plant to him. The stranger did not stay long though he would pass by every other week just to see it. The sunflower somehow felt attracted to him but did not want to commit the same mistake it did years ago.

After a while, the stranger would pass by more often and started staying longer than usual. The sunflower, enjoying the stranger's company, started to have feelings for him but did not want it to develop through fear of being hurt again.

The stranger wasn't being assertive yet he showed the flower his feelings towards it; however, he did not want to pick it from the ground because that would destroy its growth. The sunflower, more mature than before, understood the stranger and decided to continue growing not for him, but for itself. They both grew a more loving relationship since then.

Hole in the Heart

I've been feeling down for the past days, so down that I hardly had an appetite. It even reached to the point that smiling was difficult and the urge to break down was so easy. I can still remember what happened that evening, as if my memory keeps replaying it inside my head.

This pain I'm feeling is worse than my past break ups and the reckless accident I had last week (which caused a medium bruise on my left arm). It's the feeling of losing a close dear friend because of a decision that had to be made. I was warned but I couldn't stand seeing them getting hurt anymore. A friend told me if I made the situation last longer, the more painful it will be because of the memories we had together and he was right.

Right now, I feel a big hole in my heart and a wall between us. We might reconcile in the future but there will still be that gap because things won't be the same again. One thing that will hurt even more if he hurts himself (in any way) and decides to resign because of me...

SOURCE

Forgotten Post

These past few days have been bringing me down to the dumps because of what happened 2 weeks ago. As much as I thought I moved on, (and wanted to) some news just had to show up to pull me down again. Yeah, it shouldn't matter anymore but the fact it happened a few days after the break up, really crushed my heart. I started asking myself "Was I that worthless to be replaced that fast? Did I really mean no value to him?" Those thoughts kept bothering me that it built up inside me for days until the evening I burst into tears after work. Others had no clue what was wrong and as much as I wanted to tell them, I lacked breath to speak and the tears wouldn't stop. I ended up saying all of my feelings to my sister when I got home.

Last Wednesday afternoon, I went through my old blog posts and read each and every one of them. There was a paragraph that mentioned about losing someone. As I was reading it, my eyes started going teary and said to myself "How could I have forgotten about this? This was the talk that made me finally decide to let go of that hurt and lift it up to the Lord. Oh, how I miss attending The Feast every Sunday..." Seeing that post was no coincidence, I am sure God let it happen to remind me that I should forget it, move on and heal from this experience. One friend even told me that even if one guy dumped me, there are other people who love me for who I really am. I admit that I am still hurt but this is just another storm I have to face for the coming brighter days. If I continue to dwell on it, I will surely drown in its flood.

I was scrolling through some photos early this afternoon, and one caught my attention for it showed how it should be now. (I don't know from which manga it is though)

First Anniversary

Oh how time flies, as if it was just a month ago when that day happened. I can still remember how the sky looked that morning as I was brisk walking to the hotel for my internship orientation. Feeling excited yet nervous for whatever may happen on that day. I entered the training room and was happy to see three of the people I became acquainted with during our interview, which meant that they also decided to take their internship in the company. After that day, I felt more excited for my first day in the assigned department and outlet with my batchmate, Carmela. Thus, November 11th of the year 2013 was the beginning of a new adventure for us.

Sunday Morning Rain

I left for work at a quarter to 5 o'clock in the morning. Instead of walking with a cool morning breeze, it was a morning rain. As I was walking along one of the district's main avenues, I felt the urge of crying because I started to remember some happy memories... and maybe because of something I found out last night which hurt me. Although I got hurt by that, my heart feels numb as if I'm already used to it — being replaced. The worse thing about this recent news is the fact I got replaced within a week probably because I went against what that person wanted.

Feelings

I watched this video the other day and it affected me a lot.

<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/QFoia55l72Y" width="480"></iframe>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFoia55l72Y

On the guy's point of view, I would get hurt as well. Noticing my girlfriend's change of mood as if she is irritated with my presence, quickly grabbing her phone just so I wouldn't see the name of the caller, and seeing her cheating right before my eyes. Although the guy had a fault for not letting her know that he had a part-time job nor voicing out his feelings. Of course, his girlfriend wouldn't realize she's already hurting him if he isn't saying anything. I mean, opening up to your partner is a way to make the relationship work, right?

On the girl's point of view, she was feeling lonely because she had no idea what her boyfriend was doing. Thus, she started spending time with another guy. The lack of communication is one factor on why she started cheating on him. However, she didn't voice out her feelings as well and she was expecting too much. See the scene where she asked when would they have a car and the guy replied "Want to ride a nice car? I'll take care of that!" but it turned out to be a joke, which irritated her? It showed that she was really expecting that they would ride a nice car. She could have told him that the joke wasn't funny or something like that.

I am not being biased on either side because I can understand how both of them felt. But like how it is said in the lyrics "If you still care for me, I'd like you to reconsider how I feel." Cheating isn't a solution; it's a choice. You choose a path for your own happiness, forgetting that the person you are cheating on is a human being with feelings too. Yeah, maybe he/she will never know but what if others like your mutual friends saw you? Then you're in for a mess. I find it sad that something like this is becoming quite common nowadays.

Guys, don't be afraid to voice out your feelings to one another, especially to your partners. There may be times they will be against you or think that you are just being so dramatic, but keeping those feelings inside or telling them to others instead of the person himself/herself won't make you feel better. (It might even worsen the situation.) Do your part and calmly tell them how you feel.

Misery Season

It's that time of the year again, wherein I go through an emotional roller coaster not knowing if I am just overthinking things or the past is hitting me in the face. It just so happens that these events occur within July to September. Sadly, my birthday is within those months.

For the past weeks, there were random times I would start crying because of a feeling that keeps penetrating my heart and lungs until my eyes could no longer bring out tears. The pain results to me having lack of sleep and swollen eyes that I have to make up a dumb excuse like "I just read a sad story last night." and add a smile with that statement to make it more convincing. Sometimes, I just keep quiet and focus on my work. This is probably the feeling of emptiness or abandonment (or maybe both). It's strange I'm having the same feelings I had 2 years ago but the events back then were worse because I made myself look like a fool for 2 months believing in something that was no longer there.

Nothing to worry, I'm sure this feeling will disappear soon since it is already mid-August meaning, I'm already half way through the misery season. I just hope that I'll be able to sleep properly next week.

Endings

I finished reading chapter 84 of Kaichou wa Maid-sama this morning. I wanted to read chapter 85 but it will take a while until they release the English translation, so I just scanned through the raw version and searched for the plot. It turns out that chapter is already the finale. For the past months, I have been watching anime online and reading some manga in my phone. Once I reach the last episode/chapter, I start feeling sad and ask myself "Now what?" Even though it only takes me a few days (weeks if I'm reading) to finishing watching a series, there is this feeling of attachment. After scanning through chapter 85, I came to realize that everything comes to an end.

Endings usually give a happy or sad feeling but the only way to get over it is to move forward, just like school. I will be graduating in a few months and graduation might be the most emotional event, not only in my college life but my OBMC life. Being in the school for 14 years has developed me into loving the environment. Despite the changes and complaints my classmates & I had throughout those years, I am not ashamed to say that I love the school and I am thankful I ended up there when I transferred from Canada. However, I have to let it go even though it hurts to leave. Reminiscing on the good days is alright, but dwelling on it won't be good for anyone.

I would like to think of my life as a manga. A whole series is divided into volumes with a certain number of chapters in each of them. As you read each chapter, you begin to understand the story. You remember a few scenes, which was shown in the previous chapter or volume, and be amazed by the changes of the characters as you are on the way to the ending. Once you are done reading, you may have a tendency to go back to a few chapters to reminisce on those great moments in the story.

Funny how a manga made me think deeply that it lead me into creating a blog post. I guess, I take simple things too deeply sometimes.

Titanic

Last Tuesday night, I saw a tweet saying that Titanic was on Star Movies. The last time I watched it was back in 1998, so I took the opportunity to watch it and refresh my memory to see if I'll understand the story this time. When I switched the channel to Star Movies, the scene was when Jack shouted "I'm the king of the world!" I was late but thankfully, not that late.

While watching the movie, my emotions started changing for I understood the things I didn't understand before. Like: how Jack saved Rose from committing suicide, the real reason why Cal carried the kid with him, and the meaning of Rose's "I'll never let go" promise to Jack. It made all sense to me, especially the promise part. However, I couldn't believe Cal saved the kid was just so he could get on a lifeboat. I mean, back when I was 6 years old, I thought he was doing a good deed. His action was good, but his intention wasn't.

As for the promise of Rose, when Jack told her to promise him to never let go, he didn't mean his hand; it was her promise, which was to survive, continue living, and die warm on her bed as an old woman. So it was a promise within a promise.

I must say, Jack & Rose's love story is (so far) the best one I have ever seen, even better than the ones in anime. Jack cared about Rose's future, Rose went through the cold water just to save him, and they both trusted each other. It was just really sad Jack died; leaving Rose to live the rest of her life without him but she never broke her promise, which is why they reunited in the end.

The result of watching Titanic after 15 years was me in tears because I understood it as a really sad story. Sure it was a happy ending, but the fact Jack & Rose said "I trust you" more than "I love you" just hit me deep. As the days go by, I hope the story of the movie slowly sinks in as a reflection to my present life.

Burger Night!

I have been feeling fatigue for the past days, and sadly my appetite got affected by it that oatmeal was the only food I ate. Thankfully, there's no school tomorrow, so I can relax tonight. For dinner, I decided to cook some of the burger patties I made yesterday.

(Supposedly) Loco Moco and Doughnut Burger (inspired by Zark's Luther Burger)

The dishes I have prepared were Loco Moco and a Doughnut Burger sandwich. My comment for the first dish: I made an error on the egg because it was supposed to be sunny-side up, but the yolk broke so I made it a (overcooked) scrambled egg instead. Also, I couldn't make the gravy. It was still good nevertheless. For the doughnut burger, on the other hand: It was inspired by Zark's Luther Burger. Although I don't know how their burger tastes like since I just heard about it from Enzo. The taste wasn't as bad (and fatty) as I thought, for the doughnut's sweetness complemented the burger's strong flavor.

Good news: My appetite came back so I'm starting to feel better!
Bad news: I gained back the weight I lost for the past days...

Well, that's all I will say in this post. I need to find something I can do next week.

Mini Hawaiian

While I was preparing some Loco Moco burger patties, this afternoon, an idea suddenly came up. Loco Moco is a Hawaiian dish and there were some King's Hawaiian Sweet Rolls on the dining table, so why not put the two Hawaiian products together? And I did that.

This was the result:

I call it "Mini Hawaiian"

It isn't an extraordinary burger but I was happy that the taste and texture was great. (I think the size of the patty needs to be a bit smaller though) Hope I would be able to make more of these once I get the chance to buy another pack of sweet rolls!

Afternoon in the Kitchen

I didn't feel like working on my advanced note-taking in Marketing today, so I spent my afternoon in the kitchen making Spam Musubi and Salmon Onigiri. Traditionally, they're just simple snacks, but they can really be filling.

My experience in making these? I had a rough time in portioning and shaping the rice properly because I was worried it might be lesser than the spam and filling, but it turns out that I used too much rice and ended up having excess salmon. Good news, though, the shape of the onigiri looks way better than when I made it the first time.

08.04.13: While making this, I realized that I forgot to buy nori...

That's how bad it was! At least I improved and didn't forget to buy nori this time.

Evaluation of today's dishes? They tasted good although the rice's texture needs to be improved. (OFI!*) Hopefully, I'll be able to make some again for my packed lunch; once school starts.

*OFI - Opportunity For Improvement (I can't get over with TQM)

Weird Meal

I was home alone last night and thought of having pasta by using the jarred sauce, which my grandmother wanted me to consume 2 weeks ago, for dinner. While I waited for the pasta to cook, I tried opening the jar of the sauce but there was a problem... I couldn't open it, not even a bit. The jar was so vacuumed that I was tempted to break it or throw it out of the balcony. (as if I have the guts to do that knowing that I live on the 11th floor and within Makati CBD) I tried different methods* in opening it such as the candle, water hammer, static cling wrap, hot water and damp cloth; still no success. In the end, I just checked the fridge to see if there was any viand I could use, and the only thing available was Chicken Liver Adobo.

Since I was so hungry, I made use of what was found with a bit of balsamic vinegar, which is my favorite condiment. This was the result:

It doesn't look that appetizing but the taste wasn't so bad. Because of this dish, I came to the conclusion that I cook weird dishes whenever I'm hungry and alone at home.

*In case you don't know what I'm talking about, here's the link of the site: http://www.eyehandy.com/articles/10-ways-to-open-a-stubborn-jar-lid/

If I Was A Love Song

This morning, I dreamt about myself hanging out in a playground and there I saw Mr. Teddy singing and playing his guitar while walking around the place with his best friend. It's weird but the song he was singing happened to be my alarm tone, which I think was what triggered the dream to happen. Anyways, after seeing him, he went to where I was as he was continuing his song. I think I was trying to stay away from him so that I wouldn't distract him. Clumsy me, I accidentally tripped and ended up going down a spiral slide. Surprise in the dream, he followed me by going down the slide too! Then his song ended and I woke up.

It felt so weird yet I found it cute since the last time I had a happy dream about him was 2 years ago, which we were on a date in Ayala Triangle Gardens on a sunny day. (I can still remember the best part in it, actually.) I guess I really miss spending time with him or maybe something is telling me... Nah, I don't want to bring my hopes up on it. A weird dream is a dream, especially when it has something to do with romance since you can't control one's heart on who to love. I'm glad that I had a dream about him again though and best of all, it gave me a positive boost when I woke up.

Thank you for the (weird) happy dream, Mr. Teddy.

Bringing Up The Past

It has been months since the break up and just when I thought that issue with him was long gone already, some anonymous person suddenly brings it up on my Ask FM page. I just find it weird someone still has concerns about that since we broke up for almost a year and the guy has a new girlfriend now. So whoever was that anonymous person obviously hasn't moved on or probably wants to pick a fight with me.

Well, just like what my sister told me before "Haters are confused admirers."

To the anonymous person who is concerned about my past,

Here's a bridge...

Now get over it.

(I got the idea from Ryan Higa's FWP video by the way [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vN2WzQzxuoA])

A Sunflower Story

An old story I wrote during my 1st year college days.

(http://www.whitegadget.com/pc-wallpapers/157815-sunflower.html)

There was a sunflower, a small cute one, all alone in a place where nobody went to. The sunflower felt lonely, unloved and uncared for. Then one day, a stranger came and sat by the lonely sunflower. The sunflower did not like the stranger at first but sooner or later, it started to like the stranger's company. The stranger started to visit the sunflower every day.

One day, the stranger decided to pick the sunflower from the ground; so he brought a cute pot, as cute as the sunflower, and a small shovel. He started digging in the area where the sunflower stood; he dug as deep as he could to avoid hurting the sunflower. The stranger managed to dig up the sunflower without any harm. He placed it in the cute pot he bought for it and took the cute sunflower home with him.

The sunflower soon found out that the stranger was lonely too. It then felt that they were both on the same boat. The stranger whispered to the sunflower with a smile, "I promise to take care of you."

As the days went by, the stranger took care of the sunflower by giving it Tender, Love and Care, the three basic things for a plant. Soon, the sunflower started to love the stranger for what he had been doing for it. As it grew in his care, the sunflower made an effort to make the stranger happy by looking cuter and more cheerful each day. This made the stranger very happy, and he loved it even more each day.

Months later, the stranger met new people; people whom he thought were interesting to spend time with. He then started going out more often than he stayed at home with the sunflower. Day by day, the sunflower felt neglected and soon started feeling weak. Later on the sunflower could no longer stay looking cute and cheerful for the stranger. Instead, it wilted, looking ugly and rotten as it could be. Yet, the sunflower endured the pain just for the sake of staying with him.

As the days passed by, the sunflower felt even more neglected. It could no longer stand how ugly and rotten it had become. At long last, the day came when the sunflower had completely wilted.

The stranger, who had been neglecting the sunflower, dug it from the pot and threw it out, along with the soil where he had kept it. The sunflower, barely alive, could no longer bear the pain and finally decided to die...

After all those months, the sunflower never felt happiness until it met the stranger; who loved it more than anything. All that remained from the dead sunflower was a sunflower seed. The sunflower, who lost all the strength to live, can only hope that the next one who picks up its sunflower seed will be caring, loving and gentle, like the stranger was when he still loved it.

Yearning

It's strange but I've been thinking about Honey and Clover these past days. There is this certain scene in the series that kept playing in my head over and over, which was a big bother to me until now. It's that scene when Rika was reminiscing the time she and Harada went to her hometown. For some reason I feel a yearning for someone to do the same thing Harada did to Rika.

For weeks, I've been feeling sad about something (or someone) and I can't really explain why or how I ended up feeling that way. It's annoying that I just want to cry and have someone hug me saying...

I skipped a line in this scene, by the way.

I guess I miss having someone I could cry on and tell all my problems to since I don't open up that often anymore. Earlier, I was listening to a song and suddenly started crying that I had to run to my room so that the maid wouldn't see me. For those few minutes, while the song was playing, I sobbed... Remembering the pain of losing something precious, which only lasted for 3 months because of a foolish thing I did.

Later on, my brother said to me, straight-forwardly "Dude, move on. It's over. You can't expect anything from nothing. I know it's hard and depressing but yeah, at some point, I have to say this straight out 'cause it's been too long." He does have a point that, indeed, it has been too long even Gerard agreed with what he said. Almost 2 years and I'm still not over him, that's why my brother said that straight to my face, even though those words hurt me, he's right. The guy is his best friend after all.

This is what I imagined when my brother said it straight to my face

What I'm feeling, right now, is the same as how Yamada felt when Nomiya was speaking out the truth about what she really wanted to happen between Mayama and Rika. Except, I do not wish for anything bad to happen to him with his future girlfriend. (whoever she may be)